Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Job Huntin'

I went job hunting at the Oaks mall this afternoon with only two stipulations in mind: NO food service, NO apparel retail. Then I realized the Oaks was a lousy place to be job hunting. As I soon discovered, the once-benevolent Oaks had slowly transformed over the course of the past few years from the friendly neighborhood capitalist powerhouse to a vile combine run by and for the Ventura county elite – and as it happens, it’s constructed entirely of food and apparel. You’re guaranteed to never go hungry or cold at the Oaks, provided you got the cash.
Obviously Abercrombie and Hollister were right out, being the trendiest of the trendy clothes outlets. Those are not stores, they are out-of-body experiences manifested in corporal shapes. I then thought; what about Suncoast or Waldenbooks? Much to my dismay, I found they went out of business a number of forevers ago. Apple Store? Nah, I’m looking for something a little more heterosexual. Gamestop? Of course, Gamestop! Certainly a nerd extraordinaire of my peerless caliber could find a vocational haven in the milky breast of gamers everywhere - at least that’s what I would have been thinking before watching about forty Youtube videos berating Gamestop’s unethical treatment of employees and clientele alike.
So I decided to relocate my search. Somewhere less typical of the Mr. Moneybags stereotype of the Thousand Oaks denizens. Somewhere I would be less likely to have to deal with sawdust-for-brains bra strap adjusters known as middle schoolers. Somewhere like… The Westake Promenade.
Sadly, I do not jest. Stopping only to check out the prospects of working at Border’s – a bust, to put it shortly – I found my way to the Promenade, where many a Westlake High student has earned a few paychecks and spent a lot of free time. Sure, the location shares the Oaks’ snobs and sawdust brains a-plenty, but the Promenade has something the Oaks mall does not: a functioning movie theater. Where transactions are made in even dollar amounts, where all the customers know what they want, and all you have to do is tell them how to get there.
So I filled out an application. Only time will tell if we’ll get to see William Smith as a member of the work force.